Reality Check Counseling

A 7 year old writes about and illustrates a sexual behavior. The client (parent) is worried about where he learned this and asks, "Should I talk to him about sex?"  If he isn't asking questions, I wouldn't offer any "answers." But, you are right...he has learned this somewhere. I'd want to find out where and stop that influence, immediately.

Here are some ways I often get children to open up, in therapy...1. Ask questions that can't be answered with "yes" or "no." 2. Avoid using the word "why" when you ask questions. It causes people to become defensive. Try saying, "I'm confused about ____. Can you help me understand?" 3. I'm sure you think he understands he's not "in trouble." But if you had to tell him that he isn't, he probably thinks he did something wrong. That is just how kids think.

Here's what I would do. Tell him you've been thinking about his story, because you are just so impressed by his ability to understand what it will be like to be older. Talk about it a little, ONLY focusing on what you like about the story and the things that impressed you about it. Let go of your fear about what it means, and look at it from the perspective of how you would feel if he were talking about an older boy doing things you actually approve of. Once he relaxes and begins talking openly about the story, ask him who gave him the idea. Say something like, "Writers and artists are always 'inspired' by something." Explain what inspired means by saying it is something that puts an idea for a story or a picture into the artist's mind. Then say, "Who (not what) inspired your story?" If you can do it in a calm manner where you are coming from a position of curiosity, not fear or concern, he'll open up.

Anxiety disorders are not necessarily common in infants, but they are UNcommon, either. Research indicates that the same chemical imbalances that cause depression also cause anxiety. Recognizing this issue in young children improves the probability that parents can teach them how to manage the issue without chemical interventions (medications).

Here are a few things that might help...

1. bouncing up and down on a small trampoline (even if you have to hold onto him to prevent injury). The up and down motion on the brain can help calm a child, just like how we bounce them up and down on our lap, when they are smaller.

2. Something he can chew on, if he doesn't use a pacifier. There are actually assitive devices available for children that are inconspicuous, but helpful.

3. Water activities.

4. Music that corresponds with the activity you want to engage him in...fast beat for active times, slower beat for quiet activities. With time, you will be able to change the pace by changing the music.

If you take responsibility for his academic success or failure, he won't learn to succeed on his own. You aren't doing him any favors. Life is full of consequences. At some point, you have to be willing to let him experience them, or he will just continue to behave as if rules don't apply to him. Besides, you've now gotten yourself entangled in a control struggle. You can't possibly win, either. He is younger and has more energy. He will always outlast you.

Here is a strategy I have used, successfully. Stop arguing with him. Tonight, during a family dinner or some other family interaction, apologize for nagging him so much about his homework. Tell him that you've come to realize that he has the right to fail, if he wants to. Then start talking about all the advantages of failing. He'll get to make new friends, because all his old friends will be moving to the next grade. He'll get better grades, next year, because he'll already understand the assignments...he'll look like a genius! Besides all that, it will work out good for you, in the end. After all, it means you'll get to have him home for an extra year. When all the other kids his age are going off to college, he'll only be a senior. yay! More time to be a mom!

If he buys it...and you need to be seriously supportive of his right to fail...he'll turn things around. Even if he doesn't, the world won't come to an end. Just be sure and advocate HARD for him to be held back, if he doesn't pass. Lots of schools worry too much about the social aspects of failing children and not passing them on to the next grade. If they aren't ready, it makes no sense to send them forward. Where else in life does that happen?

It is hard not to judge, when a parent abuses their children. It is hard for most parents to imagine how it could happen. To put it into perspective, think about all the things your parents did that you swore you would never do...never say. Yet, when you are really stressed by life or even your child's behavior, those are the first things that come to mind.

It is extremely difficult to parent differently than we were parented. That doesn't mean it is impossible, but it is definitely hard. We are also drawn to people who are about as healthy (or unhealthy) as we are. So, they tend to validate the things we believe. Most parents who abuse their children don't "plan" it, and they do love their children. They usually feel horribly guilty, if they do something as extreme as what you are describing. But, often, they don't even realize their behavior is abusive...because it is typically "better" than the way they were treated as children.

That said, there is a LOT of help available for child abusers. Maybe, instead of treating them like the worst people in the world, we could find some compassion for how difficult it is for them to be a parents. Maybe they just need a strong support system in order to learn how to do it, better.

Maybe.

Yes, a parent who allows a child to become obese is guilty of neglect. If a child were malnutritioned and too thin, it would be the same issue. As a parent, you have a responsibility to keep your child healthy. If you fail to do that, the state can intervene. That is the law. Very simply.

That said, I don't think the child should necessarily be removed from this parent's care. I think the parent needs support to learn how to set limits with the child, in order to improve the child's physical and emotional health.

Dad of a toddler asked how to prevent the child from calling his girlfriend, "Mommy."

If she is acting like a Mommy, what is the harm in him calling her by that title? He is clearly telling you that he needs one, in his life. How will it be harmful to him to have one?

I suspect you are concerned that the relationship is not permanent and he will be traumatized by losing her, if he gets to close. Here's a news flash...It's already too late! He's making a connection. If you don't want him to call her "mommy," you need to stop bringing her around him. Otherwise, just let him have the relationship. If things don't work out, he'll survive. Kids are incredibly resilient.

In the future, if you truly want to protect him, you need to keep your girlfriends away from him, until such time as you are sure this is going to be a long-term relationship...even a permanent one.

Spanking is a common form of discipline in families where parents have the inability or unwillingness to engage in more effective forms of discipline. Research has shown that spanking is not an effective way to mold a child's behavior, because it is a temporary solution to a long term problem.

Spanking makes the parent feel better, temporarily. Most parents who spank do so impulsively, in order to gain immediate control. It is also a behavior parents do when a child frightens them with their behavior (like refusing to stop doing something dangerous). Still, it is about a parent gaining immediate control over the child...not about teaching.

Teaching doesn't happen immediately. It is a gradual process. It is harder. It takes more time. It is an investment, not a form of immediate gratification. Teaching is what parents are supposed to do. We are supposed to teach our children how to be productive adults. Hitting may scare them into behaving right now...but it does not teach them to do so, once they are too old, too big or too far away to spank.

Another problem with spanking is that a child does not develop a sense of responsibility for changing their own behavior. If you tell a child they cannot watch television until they demonstrate the ability to do their chores and not abuse the privilege of watching TV instead, it becomes up to them to make that behavior a reality. You are simply providing the structure. When you spank, there is no "thinking" involved. They don't make a decision to change their behavior...they simply learn to avoid getting spanked. Once spanking is no longer a threat, they do what they wanted to do in the first place.

Parents who spank aren't bad or wrong. They are just less likely to raise a child who won't disappoint them.

My husband thinks I'm "spoiling" our disabled 2 year old son.

Contrary to popular belief, it is almost impossible to "spoil" an infant. The more attentive you are in these developmental years, the less attention they will need as they get older.

"Spoil" is such a negative term. Are you going to throw him out, if he gets too spoiled? I wish our culture didn't say that word, at all. However, given that we do, here would be some things to consider. If your hubby is upset because you love on him too much, tell him to get over it. Maybe he's just jealous. However, if he is frustrated because you treat the child like he can do no wrong, you might want to turn that around. Children need boundaries. Without clear expectations and consequences for not meeting those, children do not learn to be accountable. Ironically, children who are not corrected by their parents and provided with structure, rules and consequences tend to have much lower self esteem than those who are raised in a more regulated environment. Part of what builds our sense of self is our ability to achieve goals and accomplish assigned tasks. If you don't teach him that he has to live within the structure of certain rules, he will receive negative feedback from everyone except you. That will cause him to doubt himself AND you.

It is perfectly acceptable to comfort him and love on him and appreciate him...but your job is to teach him how to be a successful adult. To do that, you have to be willing to hold him accountable, even when it is uncomfortable. Just like you helped him through his early difficulties. You did what was best for him, because you love him and knew it was what he needed, not what he wanted. That is what parents are for.

Sexual acting out can result from several experiences...only ONE of which is sexual abuse of some kind. We often jump to that conclusion, because it is a deep fear of most parents. When your child is acting out in a sexual manner, I certainly wouldn't rule it out without some investigation, but I wouldn't make any assumptions, either.

Children become sexually stimulated by all kinds of experiences, including the viewing of pornography or even seeing parents or other adults engaged in sex. Once that interested is "awakened," it stays awake for the rest of their lives. It isn't good or bad...it is just biology.

Here's what you can do. Start by asking him how he learned to masturbate or do whatever it is you are seeing. Ask with curiosity, not accusation. If you can't do it...find a counselor. it is very important not to create a sense of shame around his behavior or his body. Lots of times, children who are acting out so blatently don't even associate where they learned the behavior with something "bad," yet. I would take a back door into the conversation. Engage him in some kind of activity that reflects an adult level of functioning - like cooking or taking care of a younger sibling. Do it with him, then comment on how much he is growing up...how sometimes parents don't notice how grown up their children actually are and complement his accomplishments. Be sincere. But find something you can say about how you feel about him being able to help you more. Ask him, "Where do you think you learned how to do this, so well?" Listen to his answers. Talk about them, a little. Then, very gently - but not with fear - say, "You know, I've noticed some other things you've learned, and I'm wondering how you learned them. Grown up things...like how you touch yourself and the things you have been wanting to do with other kids. How did you learn those things?"

The key is to get him to share without scaring him or making him feel like he is doing something "wrong." If he tells you something fairly benign - like I saw it in a magazine at Johnny's house - let him know that most kids his age haven't learned that, and he needs to wait to do those things until he is a grown up. Let him know that touching himself is fine, as long as it is in private, but that he should not be touching other people, because it is offensive to them and feels invasive. (of course, use age appropriate language) Make sure he knows you aren't mad, just worried that kids won't want to play with him, if he does that. Compare it to hitting. It is an unwanted type of "touch."

If he clams up, gets angry, begins to cry, etc., let it go. Don't force him to tell you something. You risk him making something up to please you. Just find a local counselor who can talk to him. Boys may do better with a man, girls may do better with a female counselor. However, don't make any assumptions about that, either. Boys are often victims of a male abuser, and a male counselor may feel intimidating to them. Sometimes, you may not have a choice about gender It is great if you have a best case option. But it isn't imperative.

The most important thing is not to panic. Sexual abuse is traumatic, but it doesn't have to ruin your child's life. Even if something like that has happened, children are incredibly resilient. If you are reading this article, you are already paying attention. That is half the battle.

One of the commonalities in abusive relationships is the quick decent into marriage or a live-in situation. It may not ever be too soon to "think" about taking these steps, but it is definitely too soon to do it if everyone around you is telling you to slow down. What's the hurry? If you are rushing into the future, you often miss the signs in the present and always forget about the experiences of the past.

Truthfully, love is a terrible reason to engage in a contract. Sounds radical, but it clouds your judgment. If you really want to be with someone "forever," it is more likely to happen if you slow down a little. How many people have you heard of who say, "I wish I'd taken it a little slower." Now, how many say, "I wish we hadn't had such a long engagement."

Exactly.