Reality Check Counseling

One of the commonalities in abusive relationships is the quick decent into marriage or a live-in situation. It may not ever be too soon to "think" about taking these steps, but it is definitely too soon to do it if everyone around you is telling you to slow down. What's the hurry? If you are rushing into the future, you often miss the signs in the present and always forget about the experiences of the past.

Truthfully, love is a terrible reason to engage in a contract. Sounds radical, but it clouds your judgment. If you really want to be with someone "forever," it is more likely to happen if you slow down a little. How many people have you heard of who say, "I wish I'd taken it a little slower." Now, how many say, "I wish we hadn't had such a long engagement."

Exactly.

My girlfriend keeps standing me up so she can work. She has a really important job, but I get so frustrated about waiting for her all the time.

The problem is not whether or not she is busy. The problem is that she tells you she'll be there, and then she doesn't show up. The bigger problem is that you allow her to stand you up, over and over. Set a boundary. You say you are interested in a longer term relationship with this person. Is this the way you want the rest of it to look? Because how you establish boundaries in the beginning is going to be what your relationship looks like, five years from now. I picture you waiting for her to commit...and her never doing it.

Tell her how you feel when she makes a date with you but leaves you hanging. If she really is that busy, she shouldn't promise you any of her time. Stop making excuses for her, and maybe she'll stop giving them back to you.

Abusers are commonly VERY controlling and usually struggle with an underlying anxiety related to abandonment. In an ironic strategy, they hold  their partners hostage through threats and intimidation, as opposed to keeping them engaged through kindness and compassion. They often do not believe anyone would "choose" to be in a relationship with them, unless that person were too stupid to know better. Victims in these relationships are placed in a position of either being treated like helpless idiots who do not have the intelligence or strength to leave...or of living with the constrant threats and intimidation tactics that keep the abuser feeling confident the victim will stay.

Abusers very often use children as weapons in their battle for control. They understand the connection a mother has to her children, even though the abuser may not have ever experienced that, for themselves. They use a mother's fear to control her. Even children understand that they are a pawn in these situations and often develop an attitude of condemnation toward the victim parent. They see this parent as weak and incompetent. This makes it very difficult to escape WITH the child, because the child's perception is so skewed by the abuse dynamic of the family.

People who have the need to control others often do so out of fear that they will be rejected. It sounds like you are less concerned about your MIL trying to take over than you are that your mother will feel intimidated by her and not get to enjoy the situation and experience. This is a place for boundaries. I'd tell my MIL that I want her there and throughout my child's life (if that is true). But, I'd point out that your desire to have her be a part of your child's life is not the same as needing her to tell you and everyone else what to do, how to feel and to predict the future.

So many times, people feel that setting personal boundaries is the same as hurting someone's feelings. The truth is, your needs and ability to express them in a respectful manner should NOT hurt anyone's feelings. If it does, that is because that person does not respect YOUR feelings and is not respectful of what you need. Their feelings aren't hurt, their pride may be. They might feel anxious, because you are taking away control that doesn't belong to them. But those issues are not for you to deal with or protect them from.

Be kind, but tell your MIL how it feels when she becomes controling. She will likely deny the behavior. Don't quibble over it. Say, "When you (insert specific behavior like, "boss people around") I feel (insert the actual emotion, like "frustrated, disappointed, hurt, etc.) and I need you to (insert the behavior you need her to engage in, instead). In this case, you could say, "When you said that you were better than my parents, I felt disrespected and protective of my mom. I'm concerned you will say or do something similar during the utrasound appointment and ruin the experience for my mom. I need you to promise to be respectful of me, my family and their role in the life of our unborn child. If you don't feel you can do that, I need for you to stay home and not participate in the appointment."

This will not be an easy conversation. She will probably be resistent to your request, and your husband may have trouble accepting your assertiveness, if he is not used to making his own needs known to his family. But, you will feel empowered, and she will have more respect for you, in the end.

Even after 7 years of hearing stories of abuse, I continue to be surprised by how similar they are. It is as if abusers have access to a manual on how to systematically demoralize and degrade another human being. First, they learn how to recognize a victim. They must be issued some type of radar device that helps them scope out someone who is vulnerable to suggestions of worthlessness. Once a victim has been identified, this manual offers several simple options for flattering the victim and endearing themselves to that person. Once trust has been gained, the pummeling begins. But it is tactical. The strategic goal is to hurt the victim, then comfort them with reassurances that they didn't deserve the abuse and promises of treating the victim with the respect they deserve. This is all cleverly performed with tears and sincerity. Any decent person would offer forgiveness and second chances in return for this genuine apology. That is the problem, in a nutshell. The victim is typically a "decent" human being while the abuser is - let's face it - a poor excuse for a human being. Decent people with real feelings and genuinely good hearts do NOT use another person's trust against them...no matter how angry they are.

We all make mistakes that hurt other people. Few among us could honestly say, "I've never done anything that caused someone else to feel badly." But, there is a huge difference between inadvertently offending someone and using intimate knowledge about another person's vulnerabilities to gain power in the relationship by physically and/or emotionally terrorizing them. Only abusers need that much power.

The most frustrating thing I hear from victims is, "Well, he abuses me, but he's a great dad." Give me a break! He's a great dad as compared to WHAT? Godzilla? Hitler? Good fathers do NOT abuse their child's mother. Good mothers do NOT abuse their child's father. They respect them. They honor them...even if they don't love them or even like them very much. A good parent knows that children love their parents and that hurting the parent hurts the child. No exceptions. No excuses. Your ex is a jerk? Don't worry. Unless your child is a moron, they will figure that out for themselves. They don't need to have someone tell them...or create opportunities to demonstrate it in public. If your spouse abuses you, they are NOT a good parent. They are disrespecting your child, EVERY time they hurt you.

This, of course leads to the second most irritating statement..."They never do it in front of the kids, so little Johnny doesn't know anything about it." Well, again, unless your child is somewhat adelpated, this is simply ridiculous. Your children weren't there when you got married, but they see the evidence of it in your home and know that it happened. Your kids weren't there when they were conceived or remember the day they were born, but they see evidence that you are their parent. They sense it. They know it. Your kids don't necessarily watch you make dinner, but they smell it cooking and know it will soon be time to eat. Don't fool yourself. If your home isn't safe, your children know it.

Everyone deserves to live in a place where they feel safe...physically and emotionally. There are no exceptions. Even abusers want to feel safe. That is why they are abusive...the only time they feel safe is when they have complete control over everyone and everything. My final words on this issue, today...don't let go of hope. If you are breathing, there is hope. Today, a woman told me, "I feel like I've been in prison." I say, don't accept this sentence. You have not been judged by a jury of your peers. You've been framed by someone who doesn't deserve to even share the air you breathe. Escape. Survive. Live.

If you are a victim, there is help!

1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)

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