Reality Check Counseling

A 7 year old writes about and illustrates a sexual behavior. The client (parent) is worried about where he learned this and asks, "Should I talk to him about sex?"  If he isn't asking questions, I wouldn't offer any "answers." But, you are right...he has learned this somewhere. I'd want to find out where and stop that influence, immediately.

Here are some ways I often get children to open up, in therapy...1. Ask questions that can't be answered with "yes" or "no." 2. Avoid using the word "why" when you ask questions. It causes people to become defensive. Try saying, "I'm confused about ____. Can you help me understand?" 3. I'm sure you think he understands he's not "in trouble." But if you had to tell him that he isn't, he probably thinks he did something wrong. That is just how kids think.

Here's what I would do. Tell him you've been thinking about his story, because you are just so impressed by his ability to understand what it will be like to be older. Talk about it a little, ONLY focusing on what you like about the story and the things that impressed you about it. Let go of your fear about what it means, and look at it from the perspective of how you would feel if he were talking about an older boy doing things you actually approve of. Once he relaxes and begins talking openly about the story, ask him who gave him the idea. Say something like, "Writers and artists are always 'inspired' by something." Explain what inspired means by saying it is something that puts an idea for a story or a picture into the artist's mind. Then say, "Who (not what) inspired your story?" If you can do it in a calm manner where you are coming from a position of curiosity, not fear or concern, he'll open up.

It is hard not to judge, when a parent abuses their children. It is hard for most parents to imagine how it could happen. To put it into perspective, think about all the things your parents did that you swore you would never do...never say. Yet, when you are really stressed by life or even your child's behavior, those are the first things that come to mind.

It is extremely difficult to parent differently than we were parented. That doesn't mean it is impossible, but it is definitely hard. We are also drawn to people who are about as healthy (or unhealthy) as we are. So, they tend to validate the things we believe. Most parents who abuse their children don't "plan" it, and they do love their children. They usually feel horribly guilty, if they do something as extreme as what you are describing. But, often, they don't even realize their behavior is abusive...because it is typically "better" than the way they were treated as children.

That said, there is a LOT of help available for child abusers. Maybe, instead of treating them like the worst people in the world, we could find some compassion for how difficult it is for them to be a parents. Maybe they just need a strong support system in order to learn how to do it, better.

Maybe.

Yes, a parent who allows a child to become obese is guilty of neglect. If a child were malnutritioned and too thin, it would be the same issue. As a parent, you have a responsibility to keep your child healthy. If you fail to do that, the state can intervene. That is the law. Very simply.

That said, I don't think the child should necessarily be removed from this parent's care. I think the parent needs support to learn how to set limits with the child, in order to improve the child's physical and emotional health.

Spanking is a common form of discipline in families where parents have the inability or unwillingness to engage in more effective forms of discipline. Research has shown that spanking is not an effective way to mold a child's behavior, because it is a temporary solution to a long term problem.

Spanking makes the parent feel better, temporarily. Most parents who spank do so impulsively, in order to gain immediate control. It is also a behavior parents do when a child frightens them with their behavior (like refusing to stop doing something dangerous). Still, it is about a parent gaining immediate control over the child...not about teaching.

Teaching doesn't happen immediately. It is a gradual process. It is harder. It takes more time. It is an investment, not a form of immediate gratification. Teaching is what parents are supposed to do. We are supposed to teach our children how to be productive adults. Hitting may scare them into behaving right now...but it does not teach them to do so, once they are too old, too big or too far away to spank.

Another problem with spanking is that a child does not develop a sense of responsibility for changing their own behavior. If you tell a child they cannot watch television until they demonstrate the ability to do their chores and not abuse the privilege of watching TV instead, it becomes up to them to make that behavior a reality. You are simply providing the structure. When you spank, there is no "thinking" involved. They don't make a decision to change their behavior...they simply learn to avoid getting spanked. Once spanking is no longer a threat, they do what they wanted to do in the first place.

Parents who spank aren't bad or wrong. They are just less likely to raise a child who won't disappoint them.

Sexual acting out can result from several experiences...only ONE of which is sexual abuse of some kind. We often jump to that conclusion, because it is a deep fear of most parents. When your child is acting out in a sexual manner, I certainly wouldn't rule it out without some investigation, but I wouldn't make any assumptions, either.

Children become sexually stimulated by all kinds of experiences, including the viewing of pornography or even seeing parents or other adults engaged in sex. Once that interested is "awakened," it stays awake for the rest of their lives. It isn't good or bad...it is just biology.

Here's what you can do. Start by asking him how he learned to masturbate or do whatever it is you are seeing. Ask with curiosity, not accusation. If you can't do it...find a counselor. it is very important not to create a sense of shame around his behavior or his body. Lots of times, children who are acting out so blatently don't even associate where they learned the behavior with something "bad," yet. I would take a back door into the conversation. Engage him in some kind of activity that reflects an adult level of functioning - like cooking or taking care of a younger sibling. Do it with him, then comment on how much he is growing up...how sometimes parents don't notice how grown up their children actually are and complement his accomplishments. Be sincere. But find something you can say about how you feel about him being able to help you more. Ask him, "Where do you think you learned how to do this, so well?" Listen to his answers. Talk about them, a little. Then, very gently - but not with fear - say, "You know, I've noticed some other things you've learned, and I'm wondering how you learned them. Grown up things...like how you touch yourself and the things you have been wanting to do with other kids. How did you learn those things?"

The key is to get him to share without scaring him or making him feel like he is doing something "wrong." If he tells you something fairly benign - like I saw it in a magazine at Johnny's house - let him know that most kids his age haven't learned that, and he needs to wait to do those things until he is a grown up. Let him know that touching himself is fine, as long as it is in private, but that he should not be touching other people, because it is offensive to them and feels invasive. (of course, use age appropriate language) Make sure he knows you aren't mad, just worried that kids won't want to play with him, if he does that. Compare it to hitting. It is an unwanted type of "touch."

If he clams up, gets angry, begins to cry, etc., let it go. Don't force him to tell you something. You risk him making something up to please you. Just find a local counselor who can talk to him. Boys may do better with a man, girls may do better with a female counselor. However, don't make any assumptions about that, either. Boys are often victims of a male abuser, and a male counselor may feel intimidating to them. Sometimes, you may not have a choice about gender It is great if you have a best case option. But it isn't imperative.

The most important thing is not to panic. Sexual abuse is traumatic, but it doesn't have to ruin your child's life. Even if something like that has happened, children are incredibly resilient. If you are reading this article, you are already paying attention. That is half the battle.

Recently, someone asked, "What should I do if my child is abducted?"

Although the big story in the news is about a stranger abduction, that is actually very rare. Most missing children have been abducted by someone they know and trust, as opposed to strangers. So, the first thing I would do is personally visit the homes of everyone I know that my child would feel safe with...even if I don't believe she WOULD be safe with them. I would cooperate fully with law enforcement so they saw me as an alli, not an adversary.

I also wouldn't make any assumptions about what my child would or would not do. Even though we teach our children not to talk to strangers, etc., we also teach our children to follow the directions of adults. It is a very mixed message, and children will make all kinds of bad decisions, as they learn through experience how to interact in the world. Preditors count on that. They are very resourceful and very clever. Don't ever let yourself believe that your

Personally, I taught my daughter to scream for help. I taught her that, even if the abductor threatens to hurt or kill her or someone she loves, she should scream, fight, bite, run...whatever. Because, chances are, if a stranger abducted her, she was going to die, if she didn't escape. In addition, confidence provides a psychological effect that makes your child less vulnerable. I taught her to be alert, not paranoid. I wanted her to be prepared, but not terrified.

I am grateful every day that my daughter is safe. I sincerely hope that no one reading this ever has to experience the pain and anxiety of not knowing where their child is.