| Posted on September 16, 2009 at 10:41 PM |
Even after 7 years of hearing stories of abuse, I continue to be surprised by how similar they are. It is as if abusers have access to a manual on how to systematically demoralize and degrade another human being. First, they learn how to recognize a victim. They must be issued some type of radar device that helps them scope out someone who is vulnerable to suggestions of worthlessness. Once a victim has been identified, this manual offers several simple options for flattering the victim and endearing themselves to that person. Once trust has been gained, the pummeling begins. But it is tactical. The strategic goal is to hurt the victim, then comfort them with reassurances that they didn't deserve the abuse and promises of treating the victim with the respect they deserve. This is all cleverly performed with tears and sincerity. Any decent person would offer forgiveness and second chances in return for this genuine apology. That is the problem, in a nutshell. The victim is typically a "decent" human being while the abuser is - let's face it - a poor excuse for a human being. Decent people with real feelings and genuinely good hearts do NOT use another person's trust against them...no matter how angry they are.
We all make mistakes that hurt other people. Few among us could honestly say, "I've never done anything that caused someone else to feel badly." But, there is a huge difference between inadvertently offending someone and using intimate knowledge about another person's vulnerabilities to gain power in the relationship by physically and/or emotionally terrorizing them. Only abusers need that much power.
The most frustrating thing I hear from victims is, "Well, he abuses me, but he's a great dad." Give me a break! He's a great dad as compared to WHAT? Godzilla? Hitler? Good fathers do NOT abuse their child's mother. Good mothers do NOT abuse their child's father. They respect them. They honor them...even if they don't love them or even like them very much. A good parent knows that children love their parents and that hurting the parent hurts the child. No exceptions. No excuses. Your ex is a jerk? Don't worry. Unless your child is a moron, they will figure that out for themselves. They don't need to have someone tell them...or create opportunities to demonstrate it in public. If your spouse abuses you, they are NOT a good parent. They are disrespecting your child, EVERY time they hurt you.
This, of course leads to the second most irritating statement..."They never do it in front of the kids, so little Johnny doesn't know anything about it." Well, again, unless your child is somewhat adelpated, this is simply ridiculous. Your children weren't there when you got married, but they see the evidence of it in your home and know that it happened. Your kids weren't there when they were conceived or remember the day they were born, but they see evidence that you are their parent. They sense it. They know it. Your kids don't necessarily watch you make dinner, but they smell it cooking and know it will soon be time to eat. Don't fool yourself. If your home isn't safe, your children know it.
Everyone deserves to live in a place where they feel safe...physically and emotionally. There are no exceptions. Even abusers want to feel safe. That is why they are abusive...the only time they feel safe is when they have complete control over everyone and everything. My final words on this issue, today...don't let go of hope. If you are breathing, there is hope. Today, a woman told me, "I feel like I've been in prison." I say, don't accept this sentence. You have not been judged by a jury of your peers. You've been framed by someone who doesn't deserve to even share the air you breathe. Escape. Survive. Live.
If you are a victim, there is help!
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
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Categories: Abusive Relationships & Domestic Violence