Reality Check Counseling

Sexual acting out can result from several experiences...only ONE of which is sexual abuse of some kind. We often jump to that conclusion, because it is a deep fear of most parents. When your child is acting out in a sexual manner, I certainly wouldn't rule it out without some investigation, but I wouldn't make any assumptions, either.

Children become sexually stimulated by all kinds of experiences, including the viewing of pornography or even seeing parents or other adults engaged in sex. Once that interested is "awakened," it stays awake for the rest of their lives. It isn't good or bad...it is just biology.

Here's what you can do. Start by asking him how he learned to masturbate or do whatever it is you are seeing. Ask with curiosity, not accusation. If you can't do it...find a counselor. it is very important not to create a sense of shame around his behavior or his body. Lots of times, children who are acting out so blatently don't even associate where they learned the behavior with something "bad," yet. I would take a back door into the conversation. Engage him in some kind of activity that reflects an adult level of functioning - like cooking or taking care of a younger sibling. Do it with him, then comment on how much he is growing up...how sometimes parents don't notice how grown up their children actually are and complement his accomplishments. Be sincere. But find something you can say about how you feel about him being able to help you more. Ask him, "Where do you think you learned how to do this, so well?" Listen to his answers. Talk about them, a little. Then, very gently - but not with fear - say, "You know, I've noticed some other things you've learned, and I'm wondering how you learned them. Grown up things...like how you touch yourself and the things you have been wanting to do with other kids. How did you learn those things?"

The key is to get him to share without scaring him or making him feel like he is doing something "wrong." If he tells you something fairly benign - like I saw it in a magazine at Johnny's house - let him know that most kids his age haven't learned that, and he needs to wait to do those things until he is a grown up. Let him know that touching himself is fine, as long as it is in private, but that he should not be touching other people, because it is offensive to them and feels invasive. (of course, use age appropriate language) Make sure he knows you aren't mad, just worried that kids won't want to play with him, if he does that. Compare it to hitting. It is an unwanted type of "touch."

If he clams up, gets angry, begins to cry, etc., let it go. Don't force him to tell you something. You risk him making something up to please you. Just find a local counselor who can talk to him. Boys may do better with a man, girls may do better with a female counselor. However, don't make any assumptions about that, either. Boys are often victims of a male abuser, and a male counselor may feel intimidating to them. Sometimes, you may not have a choice about gender It is great if you have a best case option. But it isn't imperative.

The most important thing is not to panic. Sexual abuse is traumatic, but it doesn't have to ruin your child's life. Even if something like that has happened, children are incredibly resilient. If you are reading this article, you are already paying attention. That is half the battle.